7 Things to Ask Your Partner before Sex

It doesn’t matter how well you think you know your partner—there’s always going to be something new to discover about them. Maybe it’s their dirtiest sexual fantasy, favorite position in bed, boundaries during sex…you name it.

Whatever the case, you should have some standard questions to ask before jumping into a new hook-up. To help, we’ve compiled a list of essential questions to ask your partner before sex. Let’s dive in!

#1 - Have you been tested?

Casual hook-ups can be pretty fun, but dealing with an STI? Not so much. Fortunately, it is possible, and pretty easy, to prevent STIs by practicing safe sex and ensuring you and your partner have both been tested recently.

We get it: STI testing isn’t exactly a romantic conversation—and it can feel awkward to ask a new partner about getting tested. But your sexual health is your responsibility, and there’s nothing you should feel ashamed of. You don’t need to justify your question to anyone, but if you feel the need to, just explain that sexual health is important to you and that you also get tested regularly to avoid putting any of your partners at risk. You can even recommend going together.

#2 - What are boundaries/triggers?

Sexual intimacy is essential for any romantic relationship, but it’s equally important to respect each other’s boundaries. If you’re not sure how to start the conversion, try sharing your own boundaries and triggers with your partner first.

And remember: There’s a difference between what you’re both willing to do and what you are willing to try under the right circumstances. If your partner feels unsure about a specific kink, position, or sex toy, talk about those circumstances. Whether they’re uncomfortable with it or worried about your reaction, it’s important to maintain an open line of communication.

#3 - What’s your favorite fantasy?

Let’s get one thing straight: Fantasies aren’t gross or creepy—they’re a natural and totally normal part of our sexuality. And when you and your partner feel comfortable sharing fantasies, you’ll unlock a whole new dimension in your relationship.

Again, if you’re not sure how to ask the question, start exploring your own fantasies to see how your partner reacts. Being a good sexual partner means understanding the needs, wants, and feelings of your partner—and that requires empathy both ways.

#4 - How do you feel about toys?

If you’ve never used sex toys in your relationship, it might seem intimidating to ask your partner. But experimenting with new toys can improve your communication and sexual pleasure—and the benefits don’t stop there.

Your partner will probably be more receptive to vibrators if you broach the subject carefully. Many people are sensitive about their performance, so try to frame sex toys as an exciting thing to try together, not a replacement for your partner. This way, you’ll open the door for a two-way dialogue that takes both of your needs into consideration.

#5 - What are your kinks?

Whether it’s a new Tinder hook-up or a long-term partner, talking about kinks can feel pretty daunting. What if your partner isn’t interested? What if they think it’s weird? The list of “what ifs” goes on and on, but communication is a must-have if you ever want to turn those kinks into an IRL sexperience.

Not sure where to start? Mentioning mainstream media is always a good icebreaker. Maybe you read something in Cosmo or just watched Fifty Shades of Grey. After you’ve started the convo, you can start asking your partner about their preferences. Sure, it might feel a little awkward at first, but the more you practice openness, the more comfortable it’ll feel. If you have a particular kink you are nervous about sharing with your partner, try bringing it up in general terms and ask them how they feel about it and if it’s something they’d ever consider exploring.

#6 - Are you having sex with other people?

It happens in every relationship. You go on a few dates, and you’re feeling exclusive, but you still have to ask those five little words: Are you seeing other people?

It’s a completely normal conversation to have, but it can still feel nerve-wracking to ask your partner if they’re sleeping with other people. Even if you’ve only been seeing each other for a few dates, you have every right to ask the question. You can ask your partner if they’re dating other people casually—and if they say yes, it’s 100% appropriate to ask if they’re sleeping with other people. Even if you’re strictly FWB, knowing if your partner is sleeping with other partners is extremely important in helping you better manage your sexual health.

#7 - We’re using lube, right?

There are tons of legitimate reasons why women need some extra lubrication down there, from medication and stress to natural dips in libido. And even if you don’t have a reason, using lube is never a bad idea. Sometimes it’s for extra comfort, sometimes it’s flavored, and other times, it makes sex way more enjoyable.

If you want to use lube, talk it out. Be direct and positive when introducing anything new in the bedroom. Lube isn’t too intimidating for most people, so just suggesting that some lube would make things hotter for you should do the trick.

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